End of year review-cap: Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones is such a treat! Each episode was as engaging as the next. So many characters rose and fell. No one is safe; a painful lesson learned from the first season that continued to be reinforced throughout the second season.

So much has happened in season that I feel compelled to address events via each major character. If you need a refresher on season 2, continue reading.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Please, no discussion of the book or spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tyrion Lannister:

Tyrion is the stand-out character of the season for me. I feel comfortable calling him a hero even though he ended up in a sewing hutch at the end of the season. Tyrion is my favorite character because he can talk his way out of almost anything. At the beginning of the season, he talked his way out of a prison cell and into becoming Hand of King Joffrey. Cersei hates the idea but accepts it begrudgingly. Any chance she gets, she berates Tyrion and even blames him for the death of their mother. Cersei becomes so hostile that Tyrion uses her secret boy-lover as a spy. Tyrion has made several backhanded and invisible, strategic moves but there had to be overwhelming audience support of him smacking the hell out of King Joffrey. As King Joffrey’s rule becomes more unstable, Tyrion has to make moves to stymie citizen dissent. In addition to potential revolt, King’s Landing is under pending attack of Lord Stannis Baratheon. Even though King’s Landing is outmanned and outgunned by Baratheon, Tyrion prepares the city for battle. He uses his secret chemical wildfire that gives his forces a fighting chance. While the wildfire was effective, events became so dire that Tyrion joins his forces on the battlefield and is badly wounded. At the eleventh hour, Lord Tywin swoops in, saves the day, takes the title as Hand of the King, and takes the credit for all of Tyrion’s hard work.

Tyrion also manages to nurture a budding romance with Shae who is a prostitute but seems to be hiding a secret; perhaps privileged life? Tyrion keeps the relationship secret and manages to get Shae assigned as Sansa’s hand-maiden. Cersei finds out about the secret love but unknowingly captures the wrong woman leaving Shae still Tyrion’s secret.

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Cersei Lannister:

Talk about mean girl and crazy pre-mother-in-law!  Cersei bared her claws in full view this season and still managed to get my sympathy on TWO and a half separate occasions! This woman supported the beheading of Eddard Stark. She had sex with and was impregnated by her brother Jamie THREE TIMES while married to King Robert Baratheon. This season she vies for power and is manages to do a lot of damage. She is in constant battle with Tyrion because her father favors him over her and because Tyrion has her eldest daughter Myrcella sent away. Cersei plays the game as best she can before before ending up in a dungeon with other whimpering women drinking wine and waiting to be raped or committing suicide before it can happen. Even though she wishes to slip into a pair of pants and wield a sword herself, she is still relieved to be rescued by Lord Tywin.

Cersei was extremely harsh and dismissive to Sansa Stark. At times it seemed like she was trying to take Sansa under her wing to toughen the girl up. It also seems as if she set Sansa free by supporting Joffrey’s marriage to Margaery Tyrell. Everyone felt her anguish at having to let go of her daughter and not being with the man she really loves… even if that man is her brother. Her wallowing in self-pity is the closest thing to regret we will probably see from her. It almost felt like she admitted her guilt at sleeping with her brother and producing the demon spawn Joffrey. Cersei garnered the most sympathy in while she awaited the outcome of the Battle at Blackwater. Any woman, whether you like Cersei or not, could related to and be horrified at her situation.

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Sansa Stark:

Sansa had to be the saddest case of an abused woman to ever grace our TV screens. She had to watch her father be beheaded, see his head on a spike, AND marry the man who ordered it. She had been slapped around, belittled, held against her will, and kept from her family all under the threat of death and the stigma of having a reputation as the daughter of a traitor. She cried and whimpered the whole season. The only solace for her is that Joffrey didn’t want to touch her until she got her period. When “Aunt Flo” finally made her appearance  Sansa hid the information from Joffrey until she was found out by a servant. Luckily for Sansa, King’s Landing was under threat of dissent and attack so Joffrey didn’t have a chance to make good on his disgusting threat to “put a son in her”.

Sansa wasn’t without a guardian angel this season. Clegane, “The Hound”, became protective of her even saved her from being raped by unruly citizens and graciously offered to take her with him before he cowardly fled King’s Landing during the battle. She refused to go with him and remained a hostage of King’s Landing. After being summarily dismissed as a wife candidate for Joffrey, Petyr Baelish offers to get her back to Winterfell but only if she agreed to be his wife.

I continually felt sorry for Sansa. Sure, she chose to marry Joffrey but she found out that he was a cowardly snot way too late to back out. She’s a smart girl. She managed to survive a severely hostile environment and could quite possibly see freedom at a price. If I were her, I’d agree to marry Baelish only if she makes it to Winterfell then have one of the maids shank him in his sleep. Should she get caught, her mom would probably make her queen.

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Joffrey Baratheon:

What a prick.

Joffrey is fine lesson on why incest is taboo and an excellent endorsement for the invention of condoms. He had a man beheaded, he had his help slap his fiancee in public, he’s had men executed, and carelessly killed, brutally beaten prostitutes only to cower when slapped by his uncle and hide when his city was attacked by outsiders. This guy is a piece of work. I can’t wait to see him beheaded.

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Lord Tywin Lannister:

Father of Cersei, Jaime, and Tyrion, Lord of Casterly Rock, and Warden of the West, Lord Tywin sat in a chair at a table, eating food and talking with people for most of the season. However, nothing says winning like entering a throne room on a horse that poops on the floor indoors.

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Arya Stark:

The Stark sisters are having a rough time. Arya escaped King’s Landing and has been roaming the countryside disguised as a boy. She is captured by a roving bounty hunter and taken to Harrenhal. She makes an alliance with a mysterious prisoner who speaks in rhyme named Jaqen H’ghar who refers to himself as The Man. He is grateful to her for releasing him from capture and offers to kill three people of her choice. She chooses a Harrenhal torturer, a knight and bannerman for Lannister who caught Arya reading battle plans. The third person Arya wants killed is Tywin. When Jaqen refused, Arya ordered Jaqen to kill himself. In exchange for getting Arya to change her mind about having Jaqen commit suicide he agreed to help her escape Harrenhal. After he helps Arya escape, Jaquen hands her a coin telling her to say “valar morghulis” to any Braavosi and he will show up. Then he changed his face to an unattractive stranger then walked off into the sunset.

When she isn’t having people killed, Arya finds herself working for Lord Tywin after he figures out she is a girl. He keeps her secret but has her serve him food. She listens in as Tywin makes battle plans. She hears valuable information and decides to escape to get back to her brother or Winterfell.

Arya is a resilient chameleon/mynx hybrid this season! Her instinct for needing to toughen up proved to be useful to her. Sansa would not have been able to survive such harsh living conditions. I hope she makes it home.

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Robb Stark:

Robb became a roving ass-kicker who put King’s Landing and Lord Tywin on notice. After his father is killed Robb gathered his bannerman and marches on towards King’s Landing. In order to transverse a key territory, Robb has to agree to marry the daughter of the Lord of the Twins. This wasn’t a problem until he met Nurse Skankisa… pardon my possessed keyboard I mean Talisa Maegyr. Not only did he have a steamy romp session on the floor of his pimp tent, he runs off and marries the chick. Despite this misstep, Robb has a lot of men running for cover. He has even captured Jamie Lannister and is using him as a handsome hostage. Robb is at odds with his mother because she went behind his back and released Jamie thus losing his advantage. He shut her out of war negotiations and married Talisa against her advice.

I have a feeling that marriage to Nurse Skankisa will bite Robb massively square in the arse. It could be the thing that costs him the war; that or his mom making ridiculous decisions like releasing Jamie.

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Catelyn Stark:

Catelyn ran around roaring on behalf of her son and trying to get back her girls at the beginning of the season.  She visited Renly Baratheon to negotiate an alliance on behalf of Robb. Renly is full of his 100 thousand soldiers and doesn’t think such an alliance is necessary. Baelish travels to the Stormlands to let Catelyn know that Tyrion will release her children if she releases Jamie. Catelyn is eventually successful and convinces Renly to join her alliance. Shortly thereafter, Renly is assassinated by a shadowy man made of smoke and evil. This is witness by Catelyn and Brienne, Renly’s female Kingsguard, witness the act. Before the two women could react, two other Kingsguards enter the tent and accuse Brienne of murdering Renly. Brienne kills the guards, escapes with Catelyn and continues to serve as a Catelynsguard. Catelyn frees Jamie behind Robb’s back and sends him to King’s Landing under the protection of Brianne.

If she were any other woman, instead of guarded arrest, Robb would have beheaded her. Other than her decision to release Jamie, Lady Stark had a level head on her shoulders for the whole season. I applaud her decision to employ Brienne.

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Brienne of Tarth:

Bad-ass swinger of swords, guarder of Lady Stark, impaling of rapists, and slicer of nads.

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Lord Stannis Baratheon:

Lord Stannis brought the crazy this season. After finding out Cersei’s children were fathered by her brother, he declares King Joffrey’s rule illegitimate and marches to King’s Landing to claim his rightful place as King.  He is having “relations” with the mystic and prophetic sorceress, Melisandre. Her motive is to convert the whole of Westeros into worshipers of some god named R’hllor. She converted Stannis by “predicting” he would be the next ruler of the Seven Kingdoms. On his way to King’s Landing, Stannis encounters Renly and offers him the position of heir to the Seven Kingdoms. Renly declines Stannis’s offer and allied with the Starks. Melisandre went to a cave, spread her legs and gave birth to a chimney smoke of a person whose first act as a newborn cloud puff is to murder Renly. I wonder how breast-feeding works? After Renly’s untimely and super convenient death, Renly’s men pledge allegiance to Stannis. Stannis makes his way to King’s Landing only to get his ass set aflame by Tyrion’s brilliant blue wildfire. Because he’s so whipped by the wicked witch of Westeros, Stannis wants to continue his assault on King’s Landing.

I’m not even sure what’s going on here. I kept forgetting who Stannis was the entire season. I understand that Melisandre is devoted to her god but I want to know her endgame. Is she trying to be Queen? Something more?

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Theon Greyjoy:

Theon Greyjoy left Winterfell and went to crazy town. Robb sent Theon to the Iron Islands to form an alliance with his own father. After landing on the island Theon takes a horse ride to the Iron Castle with an unwashed, weathered woman. On the ride over he put his hands down the front of her pants and whispered sweet nothings until he literally arrived (not “arrived”) at the castle only to find out said woman was his sister Yara. GROSS! It wasn’t the warmest welcome either. Theon’s father, Balon, was not happy to see Theon and has disowned him. Balon refused to join the alliance because he thought of his son as weak. He told him his sister was a better man and leader than he was. It was proven when Yara garnered more respect from her men than Theon did. Theon decided to earn his father’s respect by storming and taking over Winterfell. He killed Ser Cassel and claimed to have killed Bran and Rickon. After practically burning Winterfell to the ground, Bolton returns to re-take it. Not having enough men, Theon gave convincing and inspirational battle speech only to be hit in the head by one of his men and carried off through the tunnels and out of Winterfell. What a joke! Not only does Theon not have a home now, he will most likely be executed by Rodd. If he is taken back to the Iron Islands, his father and sister will make him a laughing stock.

Theon will be beheaded. I’m ready for this to happen. Where ever he ends up, I hope no one takes pity on him.

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Bran Stark:

This is a kid who is crippled for life because two twisted siblings wanted to keep their incestuous secret. After Robb went to war, Bran was left as heir-apparent to Winterfell. Hurricane Theon blew through and had to hide in his own castle. He had help from Hodor and the tempestuous, slippery Osha. Now Bran and his crew are on the run to the North to find Jon Snow.

I thought Bran would be unrealistically cured by magic by now.        …and seriously, I never wanted to see Natalia Tena naked. It totally warps my memory of Tonks.

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Jon Snow:

Bastard. Literally.

I can’t blame Catelyn for being upset about raising the result of her husband’s affair but she could have not shown it so much. The kid couldn’t help it. If she was going to be so broken up about it she should have slipped the kid some poison and fed him to the direwolves. If not, shut up, grow up, and be decent to the kid. Jon, fed up with this treatment romanticizes about joining the Night’s Watch. Upon joining the Watch, Jon realizes that the recruits were nothing more than a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Some vows were recited, Jon didn’t make ranger but is being groomed to be Commander under the tutelage of Lord Mormont. For whatever reason, (I’m sure you fine folks will remind me of) a few of the rangers take off from Castle Black to look for Wildlings or the White Walkers or something… In the search for Spock, or whatever, they come across Craster’s Keep. Craster was a piece of work who married his daughters, made them work the land and “disappeared” any sons that were born. Samwell Tarley, a pudgy ranger who attached himself to Jon, fell in love with one of Craster’s daughter-wives and begged Jon to help him free the girl. Jon was about to help by saving the girl’s son and followed a man with one of Craster’s newborn sons when a White Walker FINALLY* decides to show up. Jon’s subterfuge was discovered. Craster got pissed and kicked the rangers off his property. Mormont confessed that he knew about the sacrificial baby boys and that they were an important part of keeping the White Walkers at bay. WHAT?!? How’s that? Do they eat the babies? Do they convert them? I need a little CSI: Westeros to understand what they hay is going on! The rangers continued North and captured some wildlings. Most of the group was killed but Jon spared a wildling woman, Ygritte. They end up having some sexual tension, Jon is distracted by her antics, and they are both separated from the rangers. Jon and Ygritte continue on a path that leads to Jon being captured by wildlings. Qhorin, another ranger, was also captured. For whatever reason, Qhorin wants Jon to appear to defect to the wildling camp and has Jon kill him to prove his loyalty. The wildlings buy it and Jon is now practically one of the family. They walk over a snowy hill and see a massive wildling camp.

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Wight Walkers and White Walkers:

Elsewhere, Samwise Gamgee… pardon me, Samwell Tarly and the other rangers are overtaken by a horde of wight walkers lead by a White Walker on a zombified horse. It would have been cool if we hadn’t just seen the same thing on the second season finale of The Walking Dead. I guess these walkers were technically different because they were shuffling through the snow?

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Daenerys Targaryen:

Daenerys lost her husband but gained three baby dragons. She has set upon a journey across a desert called the Red Waste. It is taking an extreme toll and even killing the remainder of the people still loyal to her. Jorah also has remained loyal to Daenerys and tells her of the city of Qarth. There is a chance the crew could be turned away from the walled, heavily protected city but Daenerys is desperate and heads there anyway. Thirteen bureaucrats in robes greet Daenerys at the gates but won’t let her in until they see her “dragons” which I think here is a code for breasts. She said she just doesn’t show her “dragons” like a cheap desert whore. She requires food, clothing, and shelter for her, her horde, and her dragons. Those cold-hearted, lily-livered men were happy to let her rot in The Garden of Bones until one of them slithered from the pack to vouch for Daenerys. Daenerys is given fancy clothes and meets with her rich benefactor Xaro Xhoan Daxos. The party is filled with the likes of politicians and magicians. Jorah is warned by a veiled woman about the motives of Xaro or the magicians or something. When Jorah warns Daenerys to stay on the path to the Iron Throne and not fall prey to the smooth talk of Xaro, she questions his motives. He makes matters worse by awkward revealing his love for her. Xaro proposes to Daenerys but she turns him down in order to procure ships for her voyage to King’s Landing. After campaigning for a ship, Daenerys goes back to her room to find many of her people brutally murdered and her dragons stolen. The creepy magician guy and Xaro conspired to steal her dragons. She stormed the ridiculous magic tower, went through secret doors, saw the ghost Drogo future and her phantom baby, then eventually found her dragons and encouraged them to fire-breathe the stupid magician to death. Daenerys tracks down Xaro only to find him in bed with slave slut Doreah. She marched Xaro and Doreah to the vault that he made such a big deal about no one being able to open, she opened it, told Xaro and Doreah to get in the vault, and locked them inside… ALIVE! Hell hath no fury like a dragon-wielding, Targaryen princess Khaleesi scorned!

Daenerys has grown the most as a character. She has come from being a meek little princess of an extinct race, being abused and pimped by her brother, raped by her husband, a widow, a mother who lost her child, born again from ashes with dragons, walked across a desert, survived a magic house of mirrors, destroyed a con man and a slut, and is now setting sail to sit on a throne made of iron swords. Heroine? I think so!

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When I sat out to write this review-cap, I didn’t think I’d go well over 3000 words. I didn’t even think I enjoyed the second season of Game of Thrones as much as I did until I started writing. There were so many things going on that I often felt myself leaning into my screen with every episode. The only things that pulled me out of the story was all the exposition at Tywin’s dinner table. I’d rather see the battles than hear them explained to me while people are eating turkey legs and guzzling mead. Because that is my only nitpick, the show is doing a damned good job. I can’t wait for season 3!

Game of Thrones returns Sunday, March 31 10/9c on HBO.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Please, no discussion of the book or spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*The White Walkers were the only reason I decided to watch Game of Thrones and thus far their involvement in the show has been lacking. I’m not happy with it but not so unhappy that I’d stop watching the show.

‘Game of Thrones’ leads website’s ranking for illegal downloads

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